Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
