my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
