I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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