I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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