Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
