Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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