i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
