Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
