the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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