Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
