??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
