The best revenge is premature balding
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
