You're my little dorito
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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