She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
