my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
They left me at home... I'm a liability
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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