I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
