Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
