can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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