The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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