One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
