i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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