One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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