The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
