Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This is my gift to your gina
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
