He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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