Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I need to sanitize my soul.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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