dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
