Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
