My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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