So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
