I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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