If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
