i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
