mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
