I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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