Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
