It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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