I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
