At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
