They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
