I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
