Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
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You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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