You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
