omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
