Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
