Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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