so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
