Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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