Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Congratulations! We have a period
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