so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
