i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
