i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
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Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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