I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
