found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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