would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Randomize
