you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
